Ah, July the 4th. A day of merrymaking, reminiscing, apples, booze, and pyromania. One of the more healthier things to do on this most auspicious of occasions is take in a badass movie. The theaters usually have something to offer for you, but who wants to spend money today on something that isn’t in the grillable-food/beer/things-that-go-boom categories? A much more enjoyable (and cost effective) option is to pop in one of your own, call a few buds over, break out the casks of fancy ale, and rage the night away.
But I know you. You’re going to be too busy dealing with the casks of fancy ale to actually decide on a movie. Well, lay your fears to rest; the Black Hole has you covered. Here are the Top 5 movies to make you roar “AMERICA FUCK YEAH” on this, the most American of holidays.
NUMBER 5… Ah, wait, you know what? There’s no point pussy footing around this. We all know what I’m going to say is number 1. We might as well just get it out of the way.
NUMBER 1: INDEPENDENCE DAY
Well, duh. Excluding the obvious connections to the holiday, ID4 just knows how to get your fist pumping! Whether it’s David’s ingenious use of the common “cold”, President Whitmore’s rousing speech, or “Welcome to Earth!”, this movie finds that part of you that just wants to whoop and cheer, and hammers at it non-stop. For me though, the biggest “FUCK YEAH” moment of the whole film is of the slightly subtler sort. The world is saved… by a Macbook. That is just too rich!
Ok, now we do this properly!
NUMBER 5: TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE
That epic song had to come from somewhere, right? Yes, this puppet extravaganza is just as critical towards America as it is everywhere else, but damn if it doesn’t get the patriotic juices flowing. From the montage set to the song “Montage”, to the hero’s inspirational explanation of the differences between dicks, pussies, and assholes, to the fact that a bunch of American’s assert their dominance by epically blowing up countless monuments the world over. Solid stuff.
NUMBER 4: CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER
Ha! Rim shot! I swear this is last entry on this list with a title that includes the word AMERICA. When it comes movies where a righteous Yankee turns the Nazi war machine into a pile of smoking scrap, it doesn’t get much better than Marvel. From an extended scene that sees the good Patriot Man infiltrate an enemy facility, only to single handedly blow the entire place to hell, to his wild declaration that being from Brooklyn just makes him better than everyone else, The First Avenger practically bleeds apple pie! Perfect for a day like today.
NUMBER 3: TOP GUN
Uhh… yeah. Ripped, shirtless volleyball set to some blistering guitar solos. If that’s not American, than I don’t know what is!
NUMBER 2: AIR FORCE ONE
We’ve seen lots of presidents in films, and we’ve seen lots of ass kickers. Air Force One is one of the few instances where we’ve seen a president who is also an ass kicker. When a bunch of Soviet extremists take over his plane and take his family hostage, our commander in chief knows the only thing to do is grab an MP5 and take the fight to them himself. Madness ensues! Beautiful madness!
GOOD DAY SIR!!!!